My Life at 3 Miles Per Hour: 9/20/09

Sunday, September 20, 2009

I will be great. I have what it takes.

Ever since I can recall, I have yearned with a passion to go big! To create. To create beyond myself and my abilities! I am still on that journey of developing, growin, learning, and moving towards my dreams and visions from 4yrs old on! I have made progress but I am nowhere near where I am going.....

did i mention how much i love painting!?

I can gaze into a piece of wood that I found by a dumpster, sanded, primed, and really look at this chunk of scrape wood panel for hours upon hous! There is nothing else in this life on this entire planet I would rather be doin than spendin my days in front of blank canvases and scrap wood panels, seeing off white surfaces filled with potential to contain a masterpeice...

i want to say something.

What is a life that does not leave a legacy? That is a question that haunts my being every day of my life. I paint. I create art. That is what I do, that is what I know. There is a constant struggle and wall I face every time I aproach the easil. How do I create a painting that goes beyond decor to timeless, with meaning that speaks to viewers with substance? Purpose? Meaning? And utimately leaving a legacy that impacts a life in a way that nothing else could have done...live in such a manner as to inspire an individual at the bottom to arise to the top of the world, enable someone to look into clouds of endless possibilities!

my heart is made of oil paint.

I made do my first week of painting in Portland with acrylic paints. Then I finally got my box of oils!!! I started reworking an acrylic abstract paintin of 3 nude women around a window with some plants. The moment my senses picked up the aromas of oil commin from the pallete I was home again, at ease, dare I say "in love"?. To make that first connection starting from my heart to hand,to brush,to paint,to canvas... Is just as it would be for one to touch their soulmate after a long time of being apart! I may be a single 26yr ol lonely bachelor at times, but my moments of extasy in the studio outway any circumstances I have outside my painting walls! To love is to live. To live is to love...

Why Am I on this journey?

For almost a decade now I have been in the pursuit of developing and establishing myself and name as an artist/painter. Through various seasons consisting of complete isolation in my studios in Oregon, New Mexico, and Oklahoma to exhibitions in galleries and traveling to work festivals and shows. From extremes of utilities being shut off, painting from lantern & candles, living off of cheap alchohol and cereal. And the other extreme of having a wait list of over a year for commision work, and working as assistant gallery manager in a major gallery in Taos, NM.

Over a year ago in the midst of transporting art from one state to another, I fell in love with a woman by the name of Victoria. Never had I loved and adored someone so much! She brought out the best in me as a man and an artist, inspiring both paintings and the heart. Just as I was ready to lay down my life and give her the world, with no warning she shattered my heart and left the pieces on the side of a gravel road.

Now after time passing and my heart healing, I realize I had been given a wakeup call. Week after week, day after day, continous questions began to arise from within and arouse a part of me that has been too long dormant. I must answer the questions.

Where is my life headed? What am I doing? Indeed I have ambition, and yes I can see huge progress in my career, but am I truely living? I have no doubt that if I continue what I have been doing I will see my dreams and goals become a reality. But are those dreams birthed from within my true blueprints? Or from the influence of a progress driven society? I have loved, but have I discovered real love? What am I with all my desires? What will come of my life? And most of all, AM I HAPPY with how I am living?... I am not.

Although I have an ongoing list of unanswered life questions, being able to answer one honestly was enough to make me move into action. I beleive one must take responsibility for ones life and ones happiness. Soon after making preperations to leave the much too comfortable life of family Oklahoma, I am on the road.

I now take in aromas that drift across endless country fields. I Stop to quinch the thirst of my Austrailian Shepard(Rad) as I see hub caps hidden in tall grasses that must have been there for 20 yrs or more... I see a shade tree by a boulder-filled river that I decide to recline into my camp chair and spend the remainder of the day reading "Walden" by Thoreau. I stop at an old abandoned gas station, park the bike where pumps once were and begin to work on several watercolor paintings before making myself a tuna sandwich from my pack. I look into the distance to see the vanishing road that leads to somewhere, everywhere, and nowhere.

My anticipations come in the form of afternoon rain showers and icecream sandwiches. Perks of the job are now greasy carb filled sausage-egg-potato breakfasts that friendly campers will cook for me. A pay check is no longer deposited into an account so I can pay the credit-card companys, rent, and other bills. Instead it is a donation of 20 bucks for a watercolor that will be deposited in a sock and taken to the store to pay for bread, beans, and dogfood. The extra would have gone to bananna republic to get a new outfit for a date the comming weekend. Now the extra goes towards a dogbone and a hot shower.

My days are filled with these once overlooked simple things that hold such marvelous beauty. I do not yet have all the answers, nor do I expect to ever find them all. Still I will search to at least find what I need to know. And I have Faith that there is a God, I am watched out for, and I am loved. I believe with all my heart that I am on the right path in the right time for me to find life and life to the fullest, filled with meaning, purpose, Truth, and happiness..

My Life at 3 Miles Per Hour

Sunday, September 20, 2009

I will be great. I have what it takes.

did i mention how much i love painting!?

i want to say something.

my heart is made of oil paint.

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